Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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