Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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