This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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