Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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