You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
