The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize