I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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