I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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