I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
