went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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