At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
