i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
