somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
