Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
