Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
