I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize