I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I have fence marks all over my body
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
