It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
