Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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