Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
