I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
