I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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