if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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