If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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