Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
