one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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