saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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