saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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