I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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