the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
