I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
