I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
