I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
