I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
