How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
if only i could text you this smell
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
