i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
