when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
