he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
