My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize