If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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