tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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