I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize