Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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