I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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