I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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