The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
