There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
