she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
