garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
