I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize