Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
