So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
