My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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