Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
