So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
