Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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