That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
