Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
