She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
