dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize