wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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