Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Drake has all the answers
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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