I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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