planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
