you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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