He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
