it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
