I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
