the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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