Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
