In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize