Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
