I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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