If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
